Is this abuse while dating?

Is This Abuse?

Dating abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner. While we define dating violence as a pattern, that doesn't mean the first instance of abuse is not dating violence. It just recognizes that dating violence usually involves a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time.

Warning Signs of Abuse

Because relationships exist on a spectrum, it can be hard to tell when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive. Use these warning signs of abuse to see if your relationship is going in the wrong direction:

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission
• Constantly putting you down
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Explosive temper
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Making false accusations
• Mood swings
• Physically hurting you in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling you what to do
• Repeatedly pressuring you to have sex

Learn more about how unhealthy relationships work by exploring our power and control wheel.

Does someone you know have a pornography problem?

So where do you turn for help? Hopefully you will find this information helpful!! Today I am posting some resources for both the partner struggling with a sexual addiction, and the afflicted partner. I see many marriages and couples struggle with these issues and many are embarrassed and ashamed and don't know where to turn for help.

Recovery is possible, it takes work and persistence but you can do it with help! Don't expect to recover alone; this is a much bigger problem than you can tackle alone. But with the right help and support you can do it.

 

Pornography has become such an issue because it is anonymous, no one knows you have been viewing it, it is free in the beginning, and it is always available, on your computer or smart phone. We call these the three As, affordable, anonymous, and available. The three As are like a three leg stool, and if you remove one of the legs the stool can no longer stand.

 

If you add a filter or accountability software to your computer it will no longer be anonymous. Here is a link to the website for the accountability and filtering software: http://www.covenanteyes.com/porn-help/?gclid=CMuO-KWhu7oCFes9QgodwBUA3w This software will send a report to someone who can see what websites you have been visiting and will hold you accountable. Here are some additional recommendations and resources for both partners.

Find a professional counselor; many times it is not just about the sex, but underlying issues of control, trauma or experiences in childhood that have caused you to under value yourself. Counseling can help you understand those underlying issues and help you to become a healthier, happier person.

 Attend a 12 Step Recovery Group Meeting. SA.org Sexaholics Anonymous (www.SA.org) is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other as they recover. SAnon (www.sanon.org) is for friends and family of those afflicted with sexual addictions There are meetings for I would also recommend finding an accountability partner that you can call to talk with when you start to have unwanted thoughts, talk with someone when you start to have those fantasies and urges, before you act out. You need to retrain you brain, and help overcome those impulses.

I recently found this free 6 week online course for the spouse or partner of those afflicted with a pornography or sexual addiction. ADDO is a non-profit organization and can help you understand your behavior and interaction patterns in this relationship.

http://www.addorecovery.com/join/index.html

Here is a link to helpful website with real stories of sexual addiction and recovery from both partners perspectives (husband had a sexual addiction for years and they both tell their stories): http://rhyllrecovery.com/

Websites/Forum’s

www.salifeline.org

www.sanon.org

http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/forum-for-wives/

rowboatandmarbles.org

Books

What Can I Do About Him Me? by Rhyll Croshaw

Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction by S. A. Lifeline Foundation

He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD

The S-Anon Blue Book

Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D. and Geoff Steurer, MS., LMFT

Lord I Believe, Help Thou My Unbelief by Rod Jeppson, LPC

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes

Heartache to Healing by Colleen Harrison

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not Toby Janis Abrahams Spring

After the Affair by Janis Abrahams Spring

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No- to Take Control of your Lifeby Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

 

Is your partner driving you crazy?

Everyone has days where your partner drives you crazy and you might be wondering why in the world did I become involved with this person, and you might really hate them at some point.  Just know that is normal in all relationships!!!

Try these steps from the Gottman Institute.  Enhance your "Love Maps" means find out the high and low points of the day.  What was their best memory of childhood?  What is the scariest thing they had ever tried?  What is their favorite color, food, person?  What did they dream of being when they were a child?  What did they love doing as a child?  You get it. 

Start out small, and remember, we all make mistakes, and need forgiveness.  I am still a little mad at my husband from this weekend.  I'm still working on reconnecting and forgiving him, but I will get there!  You can get there too, and your partner can forgive you!!

Someone I love has a pornography or sexual addiction. What do I do now?

As a therapist, I see many clients who love someone who has a pornography or sexual addiction, or is dealing with the addiction themselves. So what happens when you find out?

First you cry, then, you may want to yell or scream at the person. You may hear things coming out of your mouth that you didn't know you were capable of saying, bad words you have only heard before. Then you wonder how you could have trusted someone who has been living a double life, a complete lie. Or you may wonder how you could be that person who lives a lie, and does things that are so against your value system. 

 After the storm settles, you wonder what will happen next? Do I want to stay in this relationship? Will my loved one leave me? Don't make any decisions about the relationship at this time, as none of us make good decisions when we are very emotional!

You need to reach out and get help, but where do you start? Both the person with the sexual acting out needs help, as well as spouse, significant other, or loved one.

There are four things that are helpful in this situation; 1-Education, 2-Therapy, 3-Spiritual Leadership, 4-A 12 Step Program (both the person dealing with the problem and the loved one).  1-There are many educational sources available, here is one; http://salifeline.org/education_pornography_recovery/,  2-Find a good therapist,  3-Talk with your spiritual or religious leader, and 4-Find a 12 Step Program such as Sex Addicts Anonymous http://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/ and http://www.sanon.org/ for family and loved ones of sexaholics. 

Have hope!  With support, individuals can overcome this addiction, and your life will not always feel so out of control and terrible.  If your loved one chooses not to change find out what you can do to make your life better!!